


and i believe that when we die, we die (so let me love you tonight)

by pansexualdisaster



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Banter, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Cassian Andor-centric, Character Death, F/M, Hope, overwhelmed Cassian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:34:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28533006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pansexualdisaster/pseuds/pansexualdisaster
Summary: “Damned be fucking Darth Vader then, because I sure as hell would have loved to see you blush, Cassian Andor.”
Relationships: Cassian Andor & Jyn Erso, Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	and i believe that when we die, we die (so let me love you tonight)

A lot of things were going through Cassian’s mind as they were going down the elevator. They had done it. He had spent his life fighting for the Alliance, of course, for the Rebellion. He knew general Organa, general Madine, general Rieekan, heck, he himself was a captain. He was renowned and respected, he had nothing more to prove, not his value, not his determination, his whole life was that fight. He knew, of course he knew that he and Jyn could not have made it if it had not been for K2, for Bodhi, for Baze of Chirrut, they could not have made it if it weren’t for the generals, the people that had died of the platforms, the fleets above them, or even good old Galen Erso. Yet, he could not help but feel different about this win, he could not help but feel as though it was his and hers, it was theirs, they had won. He knew that was not how it worked, of course he knew it. But some part of him still knew and enjoyed, or hoped - same difference - that he and her would be remembered as the heroes that got the Rebellions the plans to destroy the Death Star. 

He had been resting his back to the elevator, but he turned to her. He was in pain, or he would be once the adrenaline would wear off. He had probably broken a rib, or a couple of ribs, or multiple ribs. But they had done it, they had saved the free world, he and her. “We did it Jyn, we did it” was all he could repeat. “I knew I was right to trust you, we did so much good, thanks to you, thank you Jyn, thank you”. He had not known her two days before. He had known he had to rescue her three days before, but before that, his life had been Jyn Erso-less. And now he did not know how he had ever lived without her, so much had changed, he had disobeyed a direct order, he put himself in harm’s way to protect her, he had trusted her with everything he had, and had gotten a few skeptics to trust her too, and now they were heroes, saviours of the free world, the Alliance had hope once again, and Rebellions were built on hope, weren’t they ? 

“You fucking built a whole new Rebellion from the ground, you did it all by yourself, you gave everyone hope again, and I’m fucking sure not even the half of them had noticed how badly they needed it, or even that they had lost their primary hope in the first place.”

He brushed a strand of hair from her face. Her eyes were shining, and though she had been silent up until them, he knew she also knew they had done it, and that it was just as grandiose as they were picturing it, this was not something you could embellish, it just was that big.  
All of a sudden, her eyes were shining with tears. His too. 

“K-2SO…”

He breathed in deeply. He couldn’t remember how long he and K2 had been partnered up. He probably could have at any other time, but his brains were scrambled, and so were his emotions. He felt a lump in his throat, but it vanished as quickly as it had come. 

“He was just metal wasn’t he ?” At any other time, he would have noted to himself that the use of “he” instead of “it” proved that no, he was not just metal, but, well, scrambled brain. “We have to focus on getting out of here, the shield is probably still down, we can get out, same way we came in, then we’ll celebrate.”

Only minutes ago, desperate as he had hit the platform, the air completely kicked out of his lungs, he had been convinced that all the others had died too. But no, no, they could not have, not now that they - Cassian and Jyn - were safe, he and her. In stories the Alliance tells children, you would have the occasional droid death, but when the story ended with a happy ending, the humans would survive. He was not thinking of Chirrut or Baze, and very little about Bodhi, he was thinking about Clay, the nineteen year old he had persuaded to join Jyn and him, and the whole Rogue One, or Mane, one of the first that had offered to volunteer and join them - she had been his friend for a while now. The adrenaline had not worn off yet, and he was oh so sure they were safe, as they would all be. 

He was staring at Jyn, at her face, still leaning against the elevator’s wall, too weak to stand on his own, too anesthetized to care. She was staring at him, holding her arm, which had probably been injured when the platform she was on the realign to antenna had been blown up. Her tears had gone as they had come, just like the lump in his throat, and suddenly, she looked beautiful. She had never looked bad, but there, she looked beautiful. “I could almost fall in love with her on the spot,” joked Cassian to himself. He was only joking, and only to himself, but, and he probably did not realize it, the moment was ideal to fall in love.  
He was thinking of her, of what she had shown as the lights flashed as they passed more and more floors. The flashings lights made her greyish irises shine every time. She had proven, in just a short time, that she was trusting, and trustworthy, that she was a fighter, that she cared. She had proven that she did not know how to give up, and that she was resilient. He thought back on how he had told her, not even forty-eight hours ago that she might have had a great fucking life of not caring, but that he had never had a choice. 

“So much for not caring about the Rebellion, and not wanting to get involved, uh ?”  
“I guess some causes are just so great that you can’t ignore them no matter how hard you try, eh ?”

He did not think for one second she had possibly only done all that only because it was what her father had told her to do, he believed that she had been born to do that, that fighting for the Alliance had been in her DNA. Yes ! That must have been the reason he had gotten mad at her lack of engagement ! He had sensed she was mad for great things. 

As they were crossing the fourth, then third level, the whole tower was shaken by a blast, the lights flickered.  
Cassian went back in alert mode. This was not good.  
When the elevator’s doors opened, and they stepped out, leaning on each other, although him a bit more on her than the other way around, something in the air had changed. Maybe Chirrut would have said something in the Force had shifted, or maybe it was the smell of fire, or chaos of the Earth rising. They had seen the Planet Killer in action just the day before, they both knew what was coming. They both knew they were going to die. 

Cassian had seen a lot of people die. He had been in the Rebellion since he had been six, after all. He had lost mother, father, and older brother to that fight, although he had lost his brother at the age of sixteen, when the older one was just a week from his twentieth birthday. He had lost friends, lovers. He had considered having a child, the thought had brushed his brain a couple of times, but he had decided that no, he would not bring life in this chaos, he would fight so that the chaos would settle around him, for the kids of others, for the orphans like him.  
He had seen a lot of people die and had always wondered what went on in your head when you knew you were going to die. When you had been ambushed and you recognized all the signs of it, or when you were shot multiple times and you knew it was only a matter of time before your body would shut down. He had wondered what it felt like to see a bomb about to blow up, and know what it felt like to know you would not be able to get cover before it would blow up. He had even wondered, just the day before, what it would be like to be Saw Guerrera, knowing everything you had built, and had fought and ran away for was crumbling over your head and would take you with it.  
He had expected terror. He had expected to be terrified, but maybe he had seen death too much, and had befriended it, and was now welcoming it back knowing that today was the day he would go on a walk with it, maybe holding Jyn’s hand at the same time. He felt enveloped in calm. Now was the time. 

“What do you say to dying on the beach ?”

He had not expected his voice to shake. Maybe now he knew he was going to die, his strength was leaving his body, maybe the adrenaline had worn off when he had been hit by the realization. Who knew, he had no time to waste trying to understand what the chemicals were doing, he had his own death to attend. 

“Probably better than I could have ever hoped for, not going to lie.”

He smiled, and he guessed she did too ; being on the brink of death had made him seemingly acutely aware of her.  
They were not far from the beach, forty steps maybe, and they had all the time in the world to get there. Seconds seemed to stretch ; maybe becoming war heroes had the whole concept of Time decide they deserved a grand death.  
They never quite got to the water, they would not die with their shoes wet or anything like that, because at some point, Cassian just gave up on walking. He did not like the idea of her dragging him. He wanted for them to have time to breathe deeply the air around them. There was not much of the water’s natural salt, so it did not smell like a sea or anything, but still. The Sun was beginning to set over the horizon, and though the planet had no moons they could see the Death Star looking down on them. How ironic, right ? To die under a moonless yet moonlit sky.

“How good do you feel knowing we made a whole Darth Vader come to end us, uh ? That’s pretty heroic of us, I think.”  
Cassian laughed. “Yeah, I think we have you and your father to thank for that. You two never quite half-ass things now, do you ? Dedicating your whole life to making the Empire’s greatest weapon vulnerable, then giving hope back to the whole galaxy… Must be a family trait.” He paused. “Thank you.”

They had not been looking at each other, more like staring at the ray, at the ground rising because of the sheer force of it, wondering if the others were ok, or, well, where they were, and if they had made it out, but he had turned around to thank her. She had turned around too. 

“No, it’s me, I should be thanking you. If there is one thing I’ll regret, it’s that I could not thank you enough. How do you do it, saving my life so many times in just forty-eight hours, uh ? That wasn’t ever your full-time job !” She laughed. Her laugh was not pretty, but it was a good laugh. “I can’t even begin to express my gratefulness, and well, I’ll probably never be able to, right ?”

Maybe it was despair of not being able to die in love, or maybe it was the devouring regret of not having had enough time, but he let the words out anyways, whatever the reason behind them. 

“I think I would have fallen in love with you. Like, I’m pretty sure." To the amused question mark in her eyes he answered that "It’s your laugh, your irises, your willpower, your loyalty, I think it wouldn’t have taken long, and I think I would have soon enough been desperate for any glimpse of you I could have caught.”

It was a statement, but it was not cold, because he truly believed it, but there was no urge for an answer, or for his belief to be reciprocated. It just… was what it was. He believed it, and so to him there was no other truth possible, because it was his perception and so it became true. With more time, he could have been proved correct or incorrect, his perception corrected, or adjusted. But there was no one around who could prove him wrong, and anyways you don't correct a man when he’s about to die, who has that kind of time ? Not ten minutes had gone by since she had flipped the switch and transmitted the plans. 

“Damned be fucking Darth Vader then, because I sure as hell would have loved to see you blush, Cassian Andor.”

He was surprised, and shot her a glance.

“What ? You’re not going to tell me you think it’s surprising I think you are pretty, you must know it already. I did not want to hit on you because, well first of all you were annoying, but also I did not want to step on K-2SO’s toes. Did he have toes ? Not the point, ‘m wasting time. ‘Would have loved to see you blush is the point. I’m sure you’d have been a terrible flirt.” The ray was almost on them. “Thank you again, for saving my life, and dooming it, and, well, being domed with me. And, you know, for giving me purpose.”

Cassian got on his knees, and held her in his arms. 

“Let’s meet again, and repay me by buying me a drink, won’t you ? May the Force be with us.”

She nodded.  
He was not facing the light, she was. As he felt her take a deep breath as if ready to dive in a pool, ready to hold her breath, he smiled, his eyes closed. 

Then terror overtook him.

**Author's Note:**

> hey ! this is very short and not good but i watched Rogue One this afternoon and the scene where it all ends, the elevator going down and the hug on the beach got me thinking about what was going on inside their heads as they knew they were going to die so !!!!! this is a bit Cassian-centered, and i'm not too happy about it, and i'm sorry for how short it is but oh well.


End file.
